Network through useful relationships, not constant self-promotion
Reconnect with colleagues and meet people through shared work. Ask clear, respectful questions without treating every contact as a potential transaction.
Build professional relationships through genuine shared interests, useful exchanges, and respectful follow-through. Start with people and communities you already have a reason to contact. Make requests specific, easy to decline, and honest about what you are seeking.
You can reconnect with a former colleague to ask how their move into platform work changed their week. That is a clearer, more human starting point than adding hundreds of strangers and immediately requesting referrals.
Networking becomes uncomfortable when every conversation has a concealed sales pitch. You do not need to transform into a full-time personal brand. You need ways to learn from people, contribute where you can, and stay in contact without pretending the relationship is something it is not.
Start with a real reason to contact someone
David Burkus’s Friend of a Friend challenges a networking model centred on accumulating strangers. His public book page highlights the existing network around a person, including former and weaker contacts. That is a reason to notice relationships you already have, not a guarantee that a distant acquaintance will provide a job.
Think of former colleagues, classmates, collaborators, or people whose work you have genuinely engaged with. What connects you? What would you sincerely like to understand? A specific question about an area they know is a better starting point than a generic request to “pick your brain.”
In an illustrative example, a developer is considering platform work. They remember a former colleague who made that transition. A useful message mentions the shared context, asks about one part of the new work, and gives the person an easy way to decline.
Try the decision
A developer wants to reconnect with a former teammate after seeing their talk.
A transactional request ignores context and does not establish what help is appropriate.
Next step: Begin with a genuine, specific exchange.
This is an illustrative decision with stated assumptions. It cannot establish your employer’s policy or predict an individual career outcome.
Make the conversation useful and easy to decline
The message might be: “I enjoyed working with you on that project. I am exploring platform engineering and noticed your move into it. Would you be open to a short conversation about what changed in your day-to-day work? I am trying to understand the role, not asking you to find me an opening.” Only include that last sentence if it is true.
Prepare a few questions that cannot be answered by reading the person’s public profile. What surprised them? Which previous skills transferred? Which part of the role takes more time than outsiders expect? Avoid asking for confidential salary information, private hiring discussions, or internal documents.
Respect their preferred format. A written answer may be easier than a call. No response does not require an escalating sequence of reminders. A brief follow-up may be appropriate; persistent pressure is not relationship-building.
Thank them and describe one thing you learned. If you later act on the advice, a short update can close the loop. You do not need to invent a reciprocal favour of equal value. Genuine attention and respect are better than an awkward attempt to turn every exchange into a balanced transaction.
Meet people through shared work
A discussion group, an accessible local event, an open-source issue, or a focused online community can provide a reason to interact repeatedly. Choose a setting you can contribute to honestly rather than one that merely contains impressive job titles.
Useful participation may be a careful question, a reproducible bug report, a documentation correction, or a thoughtful explanation. Do not manufacture work for maintainers to gain visibility. Follow the community’s rules, respect review capacity, and remember that unpaid contributors do not owe you mentorship.
You can also build relationships within your current organisation by understanding the people affected by your work. End-to-end feature ownership naturally involves those connections. Constructive review provides another setting in which reliability becomes visible through actual collaboration.
Public posting is optional. A person who prefers small discussions or written exchanges can still build useful professional relationships. Do not confuse comfort on a stage with the ability to work well with others.
Be honest when you want a referral
If you are applying for a role and want a referral, say so clearly. Share the relevant role and a concise account of why your experience may fit. Ask whether the person knows enough about your work to feel comfortable referring you, not whether they will lend you their name regardless.
Do not disguise a referral request as a purely educational conversation, and do not assume a pleasant chat creates an obligation. The person may have limited knowledge of your work, a conflict of interest, or an employer process that does not allow the request.
Advice and advocacy are different forms of support. Knowing the difference helps you make a request that matches the relationship. A referral can make an application visible, but it is not a guarantee of an interview or a suitable role.
Maintain relationships without turning them into a funnel
Keep modest notes only when they help you remember legitimate context. Avoid collecting sensitive personal details or treating people as scores in a conversion system. Contact someone because there is something real to discuss, not because an automation says the relationship needs harvesting.
Access to useful networks is unequal. A person may have fewer professional connections because of geography, resources, exclusion, or the shape of their previous work. That is not evidence of low merit. Networking advice should not excuse unfair hiring or place the whole burden of opportunity on the individual.
Start with one genuine exchange. If your aim is to explore a role, use the conversation to test a specific assumption. The result you are seeking is better understanding and a respectful connection, not a larger contact count.